The Adventures of The Absent Minded Albino (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} scotttaylor) wrote,@ 2007-02-15 19:15:00 |
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Apples and Apples
General Mills Inc.
P.O. Box 9452
Minneapolis, MN 55440
February 15, 2007
Dear Mr. Fruity Cheerios’ Representative,
My name is Scott Taylor and I am a 27-year-old straight male. I love Fruity Cheerios! They are delicious. I eat them every morning with my mouth and I feel great. I am in much better shape now than when I existed solely on a diet of Cocoa Pebbles.
When you are a straight man like me you spend a lot of time thinking about things that are not gay so you don’t become gay by accident: Sports, pasta, cereal, boy bands. Oops! I slipped. I have to watch what pops into my brain or it’s bye bye bye to my straightness.
The worst part of my week is the inevitable moment when I discover my box of Fruity Cheerios is empty. That means it’s time to go to the store! But here’s my problem. My local store is full of petty employees who constantly harass me while buying your product. They call me “gay,” with their eyes just because the word “fruity” is in your cereal title! I don’t remember clipping a coupon for prejudice and small-mindedness along with the one for a box of juicy Fruity Cheerios, but they are given to me free of charge, all the same. I endure this injustice because of the delicious crunch and white-hot burst of flavor that explodes in my mouth every time I devour Fruity Cheerios (Feel free to use that as a tagline in future commercials.)
Last Thursday was typical of my many experiences at the market. I entered the store and went directly to the cereal aisle. I looked to both sides to make sure no one was looking, snatched a couple of Fruity Cheerio boxes, tucked them under my arm, and headed to the check out. A man named Steve scanned the Fruity Cheerios and looked me up and down. “These looks good,” he said, licking his lips. Then he told me the price. I was sweating, but somehow I managed to pay him. “Have a nice day!” he said. I fled for home and cuddled up with my new box of Fruity Cheerios. It smelled like Steve. Damn you, Steve, what are you doing to me? I fell asleep on a pile of filthy clothes clutching my box of Stevey Cheerios and wondering why a straight man like myself had to go through such pain.
I felt disgusting. They never actually SAY anything about their absurd accusation that I am a gay, but I can FEEL IT, y’know? It hurts so much. I don’t know what to do. I think about it constantly. And, I mean, of course it was Steve that was serving me, the one man there who seems to know what’s going on. He’s a special, gorgeous man. I wish he didn’t hate me. I just want to find out more about him but I feel like Fruity Cheerios keep getting in the way.
I have tried ordering your product on the Internet but it has always ended in confusion and chaos. I found a website offering a “Fruity Cheerio” and placed a midnight order. A nearly nude British man arrived at my door and started waving at me. “Cheerio!” he said. He wanted to come in. I was anxious to see if he had any cereal hidden in his bowler hat but my disapproving mother was visiting so I sent him on his way. I went to bed hungry that night.
For cereal. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Perhaps you could think of a less bi-curious name for your cereal. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how your product is affecting my sexuality, and so I have some ideas about a more Fox News-safe name for your product. Let’s look at what makes up the Fruity Cheerio and break it down to its essence. Here are my three favorite things about the Fruity Cheerio:
1) It’s full of color
2) It’s for men (like me!)
3) It has a hole in it.
How about “Colored Man Holes” cereal? I think that’s a much better name. Odd, though. Suddenly I started thinking of a report I read on gawker.com about Denzel Washington shopping for a thong in Chelsea. It’s winter, Denzel, you need more coverage than a thong can provide! I mean, just imagine Denzel in a thong running around in the snow kissing all the people he can find. He’d be so cold! Although I guess he’s hot enough any time of year. Argh! I slipped again! You can see the kind of trouble your cereal has put me in.
Thank you, General Mills, for your prompt attention on this matter. I come to you with a spoon full of non-fat milk and Fruity Cheerios in my hand. I look forward to a time in the near future when I can buy your cereal without bigoted looks from grocery store personnel and the face I see every day when I look in the mirror.
I will always be yours,
Scott Ryan Taylor
Fruity Cheerios/Colored Man Holes Fan
“Fruity Cheerios: The cereal with a white-hot burst of flavor that will explode in your mouth”
General Mills Inc.
P.O. Box 9452
Minneapolis, MN 55440
February 15, 2007
Dear Mr. Fruity Cheerios’ Representative,
My name is Scott Taylor and I am a 27-year-old straight male. I love Fruity Cheerios! They are delicious. I eat them every morning with my mouth and I feel great. I am in much better shape now than when I existed solely on a diet of Cocoa Pebbles.
When you are a straight man like me you spend a lot of time thinking about things that are not gay so you don’t become gay by accident: Sports, pasta, cereal, boy bands. Oops! I slipped. I have to watch what pops into my brain or it’s bye bye bye to my straightness.
The worst part of my week is the inevitable moment when I discover my box of Fruity Cheerios is empty. That means it’s time to go to the store! But here’s my problem. My local store is full of petty employees who constantly harass me while buying your product. They call me “gay,” with their eyes just because the word “fruity” is in your cereal title! I don’t remember clipping a coupon for prejudice and small-mindedness along with the one for a box of juicy Fruity Cheerios, but they are given to me free of charge, all the same. I endure this injustice because of the delicious crunch and white-hot burst of flavor that explodes in my mouth every time I devour Fruity Cheerios (Feel free to use that as a tagline in future commercials.)
Last Thursday was typical of my many experiences at the market. I entered the store and went directly to the cereal aisle. I looked to both sides to make sure no one was looking, snatched a couple of Fruity Cheerio boxes, tucked them under my arm, and headed to the check out. A man named Steve scanned the Fruity Cheerios and looked me up and down. “These looks good,” he said, licking his lips. Then he told me the price. I was sweating, but somehow I managed to pay him. “Have a nice day!” he said. I fled for home and cuddled up with my new box of Fruity Cheerios. It smelled like Steve. Damn you, Steve, what are you doing to me? I fell asleep on a pile of filthy clothes clutching my box of Stevey Cheerios and wondering why a straight man like myself had to go through such pain.
I felt disgusting. They never actually SAY anything about their absurd accusation that I am a gay, but I can FEEL IT, y’know? It hurts so much. I don’t know what to do. I think about it constantly. And, I mean, of course it was Steve that was serving me, the one man there who seems to know what’s going on. He’s a special, gorgeous man. I wish he didn’t hate me. I just want to find out more about him but I feel like Fruity Cheerios keep getting in the way.
I have tried ordering your product on the Internet but it has always ended in confusion and chaos. I found a website offering a “Fruity Cheerio” and placed a midnight order. A nearly nude British man arrived at my door and started waving at me. “Cheerio!” he said. He wanted to come in. I was anxious to see if he had any cereal hidden in his bowler hat but my disapproving mother was visiting so I sent him on his way. I went to bed hungry that night.
For cereal. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Perhaps you could think of a less bi-curious name for your cereal. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how your product is affecting my sexuality, and so I have some ideas about a more Fox News-safe name for your product. Let’s look at what makes up the Fruity Cheerio and break it down to its essence. Here are my three favorite things about the Fruity Cheerio:
1) It’s full of color
2) It’s for men (like me!)
3) It has a hole in it.
How about “Colored Man Holes” cereal? I think that’s a much better name. Odd, though. Suddenly I started thinking of a report I read on gawker.com about Denzel Washington shopping for a thong in Chelsea. It’s winter, Denzel, you need more coverage than a thong can provide! I mean, just imagine Denzel in a thong running around in the snow kissing all the people he can find. He’d be so cold! Although I guess he’s hot enough any time of year. Argh! I slipped again! You can see the kind of trouble your cereal has put me in.
Thank you, General Mills, for your prompt attention on this matter. I come to you with a spoon full of non-fat milk and Fruity Cheerios in my hand. I look forward to a time in the near future when I can buy your cereal without bigoted looks from grocery store personnel and the face I see every day when I look in the mirror.
I will always be yours,
Scott Ryan Taylor
Fruity Cheerios/Colored Man Holes Fan
“Fruity Cheerios: The cereal with a white-hot burst of flavor that will explode in your mouth”
