The Adventures of The Absent Minded Albino (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} scotttaylor) wrote,@ 2006-04-29 01:51:00 |
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Double Snap
Dear Brain Doctor,
My relationship was recently terminated by a human female against my will. It wasn’t fun at all. She took all of my coats and jackets and now sometimes I get cold. When we first met I never used coats and jackets but now I am addicted to them. After she moved away I was watching the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind while drinking peppermint schnapps and playing blackjack against myself (I won! 21! Double down!)
The film deals with a cruel woman who hurts the funniest man in the world. I think. I was pretty drunk. Anyhow, this reminded me of my relationship. I know tons of jokes and my girlfriend doesn’t know any. I mean ex-girlfriend. This kind of thing is hard to talk about because everything is subjective. Not with me, but I am just covering my bases, because sometimes people hear about a man and his ex-girlfriend and they think the man did something wrong. I’m trying to be clear about how my relationship ended, but if you take her point of view into account things might get muddled.
I have a book of jokes. At parties, when the conversation lulls, I quickly pull my joke book out. If there is silence for even five seconds I will come to the rescue. “Oi,” I’ll say, “Look what I have in my pocket!” Then I reach for my fly. This is kind of a mini-joke, separate from the others but still lots of fun. I don’t always need my book.
At this point my ex-girlfriend would usually try and make me put it away (the book), but I wouldn’t listen to her and proceed to wow the crowd until they were so laughed out that they would walk away silently and refuse to speak with me the remainder of the evening. People can only laugh so much, I am told, and then they get sad and grumpy. And pretend they don’t know you.
The book I own is called “Double Snaps.” It is about “snapping” you enemies into submission. My copy is worn from constant use. Here is a snap for you to chew on: Your mother is so overweight, she sits next to EVERYONE at the cinema.
I am baffled as to what has gone wrong between me and my lover. Perhaps she is mentally unwell. Or maybe she didn’t like me to “snap” her while she prepared for work. Here is a conversation I remember having before she decided that she “couldn’t go on like this anymore anymore.” I am unsure why she said “anymore” twice. As of this time three years ago, she would only say it once during fights.
Anyhow, the conversation went something like this:
ME: I think we are out of Pringles. Can you buy some on the way to your job? Your mother is so overweight that she had her highschool photo taken by a satellite.
MY GIRL: You’ve been out of work for fourteen months. I need some money from you, whatever you can come up with, or we’re in real trouble. And my mother weighs 125 pounds and is 5’7”.
ME: Never trust a big butt and a smile! I never eat a pig ‘cause a pig is a cop!
It’s hard to say where we went wrong. I miss her very much even though she has hurt me.
I decided to watch several movies about dating and women. One such viewing, of the film “How to Lose a Guy In Ten Days,” was very important to my personal growth. I was drinking heavily and the alcohol was beginning to affect me in ways it never had before. Perhaps mixing Goldschlager with acid was not the correct way to view this particular film.
At one point early in the third act Ms. Hudson's character morphed into a three dimensional hippo and began attacking my ankles. I took this opportunity to pause the film and take a nap. While sleeping I had visions that I was trapped in my shower and my shower curtains were all that was protecting me from the world discovering I was a loser and a charlatan. I came to realize after a time I was not in fact asleep and that the Hudson Hippo was waiting for me in my bed. For what purpose, I dare not suppose.
I waited in the shower for first light and then retreated to my backyard, where I passed out next to a squirrel that was eyeing me suspiciously. I do not remember what happened immediately following this, but I do remember not caring for being judged by police officers and medical personnel who do not know me or my circumstance.
I am looking to find a scientist to develop technology that will erase this woman from my mind. She just won’t leave my head! Argh and blast! Perhaps you have already developed this science since you study the brain. When I asked my local bartender if he had any ideas he gave me a discount on a bottle of Jack Daniels and the number of a local escort service. Their prices were outrageous and I was concerned about the moral boundary I was crossing by paying for sex with a stranger. I shouldn’t have been worried, though, the woman’s performance was incredible. I was unsure how to tip her, however, and this became a point of contention immediately after our encounter. Come to think of it, maybe we should erase this event, too. And while we are at it, let’s wipe the following:
*The time I tried to ride the bike off the mountain and broke my jaw.
*7th-9th grades.
*Season 4 of The Sopranos. Please save Joe Pantoliano’s last episode and summaries of the events surrounding it so I have a reference point. Otherwise I will be lost when I remember how Tony (spoilers) kills (end spoilers) him.
*The time I fell off Laddy the Ladder and burned him to a crisp in a small field under a moonlit sky. R.I.P.
*My desire for soda. I am trying to lose weight.
*My addiction to Deal or No Deal
*The lyrics to “Poison” by Bel Biv DeVoe and “Jump Around” by House of Pain. People sometimes get cross when I start singing these songs without warning. Sometimes I combine them in a “mash up” session.
I am hoping these changes will make me more desirable to a potential mate and help me to move on from this painful period in my life. Though I have done nothing to deserve the suffering I am enduring, I endure it, and that is not acceptable to me. Thank you so much, man of science, for helping me. I hope you develop an outpatient procedure to help me soon. Your mother is so beautiful and fit I tried to take a picture of her with a satellite and I couldn’t see her in it because she was so pretty. Then I took a picture of a star and she was riding it.
Thank you for your time,
Scott Taylor
Dear Brain Doctor,
My relationship was recently terminated by a human female against my will. It wasn’t fun at all. She took all of my coats and jackets and now sometimes I get cold. When we first met I never used coats and jackets but now I am addicted to them. After she moved away I was watching the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind while drinking peppermint schnapps and playing blackjack against myself (I won! 21! Double down!)
The film deals with a cruel woman who hurts the funniest man in the world. I think. I was pretty drunk. Anyhow, this reminded me of my relationship. I know tons of jokes and my girlfriend doesn’t know any. I mean ex-girlfriend. This kind of thing is hard to talk about because everything is subjective. Not with me, but I am just covering my bases, because sometimes people hear about a man and his ex-girlfriend and they think the man did something wrong. I’m trying to be clear about how my relationship ended, but if you take her point of view into account things might get muddled.
I have a book of jokes. At parties, when the conversation lulls, I quickly pull my joke book out. If there is silence for even five seconds I will come to the rescue. “Oi,” I’ll say, “Look what I have in my pocket!” Then I reach for my fly. This is kind of a mini-joke, separate from the others but still lots of fun. I don’t always need my book.
At this point my ex-girlfriend would usually try and make me put it away (the book), but I wouldn’t listen to her and proceed to wow the crowd until they were so laughed out that they would walk away silently and refuse to speak with me the remainder of the evening. People can only laugh so much, I am told, and then they get sad and grumpy. And pretend they don’t know you.
The book I own is called “Double Snaps.” It is about “snapping” you enemies into submission. My copy is worn from constant use. Here is a snap for you to chew on: Your mother is so overweight, she sits next to EVERYONE at the cinema.
I am baffled as to what has gone wrong between me and my lover. Perhaps she is mentally unwell. Or maybe she didn’t like me to “snap” her while she prepared for work. Here is a conversation I remember having before she decided that she “couldn’t go on like this anymore anymore.” I am unsure why she said “anymore” twice. As of this time three years ago, she would only say it once during fights.
Anyhow, the conversation went something like this:
ME: I think we are out of Pringles. Can you buy some on the way to your job? Your mother is so overweight that she had her highschool photo taken by a satellite.
MY GIRL: You’ve been out of work for fourteen months. I need some money from you, whatever you can come up with, or we’re in real trouble. And my mother weighs 125 pounds and is 5’7”.
ME: Never trust a big butt and a smile! I never eat a pig ‘cause a pig is a cop!
It’s hard to say where we went wrong. I miss her very much even though she has hurt me.
I decided to watch several movies about dating and women. One such viewing, of the film “How to Lose a Guy In Ten Days,” was very important to my personal growth. I was drinking heavily and the alcohol was beginning to affect me in ways it never had before. Perhaps mixing Goldschlager with acid was not the correct way to view this particular film.
At one point early in the third act Ms. Hudson's character morphed into a three dimensional hippo and began attacking my ankles. I took this opportunity to pause the film and take a nap. While sleeping I had visions that I was trapped in my shower and my shower curtains were all that was protecting me from the world discovering I was a loser and a charlatan. I came to realize after a time I was not in fact asleep and that the Hudson Hippo was waiting for me in my bed. For what purpose, I dare not suppose.
I waited in the shower for first light and then retreated to my backyard, where I passed out next to a squirrel that was eyeing me suspiciously. I do not remember what happened immediately following this, but I do remember not caring for being judged by police officers and medical personnel who do not know me or my circumstance.
I am looking to find a scientist to develop technology that will erase this woman from my mind. She just won’t leave my head! Argh and blast! Perhaps you have already developed this science since you study the brain. When I asked my local bartender if he had any ideas he gave me a discount on a bottle of Jack Daniels and the number of a local escort service. Their prices were outrageous and I was concerned about the moral boundary I was crossing by paying for sex with a stranger. I shouldn’t have been worried, though, the woman’s performance was incredible. I was unsure how to tip her, however, and this became a point of contention immediately after our encounter. Come to think of it, maybe we should erase this event, too. And while we are at it, let’s wipe the following:
*The time I tried to ride the bike off the mountain and broke my jaw.
*7th-9th grades.
*Season 4 of The Sopranos. Please save Joe Pantoliano’s last episode and summaries of the events surrounding it so I have a reference point. Otherwise I will be lost when I remember how Tony (spoilers) kills (end spoilers) him.
*The time I fell off Laddy the Ladder and burned him to a crisp in a small field under a moonlit sky. R.I.P.
*My desire for soda. I am trying to lose weight.
*My addiction to Deal or No Deal
*The lyrics to “Poison” by Bel Biv DeVoe and “Jump Around” by House of Pain. People sometimes get cross when I start singing these songs without warning. Sometimes I combine them in a “mash up” session.
I am hoping these changes will make me more desirable to a potential mate and help me to move on from this painful period in my life. Though I have done nothing to deserve the suffering I am enduring, I endure it, and that is not acceptable to me. Thank you so much, man of science, for helping me. I hope you develop an outpatient procedure to help me soon. Your mother is so beautiful and fit I tried to take a picture of her with a satellite and I couldn’t see her in it because she was so pretty. Then I took a picture of a star and she was riding it.
Thank you for your time,
Scott Taylor
